Julian Assange: Wanker or Twit?

Julian Assange is a wanker, a wuss and a twit. Years after he dumped online thousands of hacked documents, endangering people’s lives, he’s published a list of 140 things we dare not say about him, under threat of litigation. Give or take a forbidden word or two.

All of this is putatively related to the wanker’s “attorney-client work product,” of which, I daresay, if he hadn’t brought it up, no one would ever have heard of it.

Of all da noive.

Mr. Assange has told us that if we say or print any even one of these forbidden 140orso things — as I am about to do — then Mr. Assange will sue us (me? you? Your cool cousin?) He will sue, I presume, in an Ecuadorean court, from his palace in London.

That’s what Julian calls a threat?

That’s not a threat.

The real threat is that if anyone, including a legitimate news organization, publishes mean things about poor Julian, hiding in his palatial cubbyhole, Assange will unleash his global army of hackers upon them.

And that could do some serious harm, around the world.

Not that we could blame it on Julian. Oh, no.

He just set this thing up and runs it. Allegedly.

This concludes our introduction.

So, what are some of the many things we are not allowed to say about this little angel twit?

Fortunately, the twingeopedia guy’s “attorney work product” letter does not threaten litigation for calling him a twit, a wanker, or a wuss.

Just for a dozen dozen other things we might have written, or said, or not said, or published or done or not.

According to Mr. Assange.

Whew! That was close.

I hope Mr. Assange never sues me, but if he does, I’d be glad to tell him where he can accept delivery.

Here are some of the things we are not allowed to say about that wanker, for fear of being sued:

“It is false and defamatory to suggest that Julian Assange or WikiLeaks has ever colluded with or conspired with, or compromised the integrity of its journalism for, any political campaign or State …”

Well, OK, Julian, but is it really “journalism” to hack into targeted computers, suck up all the information you can, then dump it on the internet, without even redacting names of people who could, and if caught in some places, would, be killed for it? That’s not journalism. That’s computer hacking.

“It is false and defamatory to suggest that Julian Assange is ‘anti-American’ or ‘anti-U.S.’ [in fact, he has an abiding love for the United States.”

Wow, Julian. For you to say you love the United States for our First Amendment, then claim you can sue me for calling you anti-American, shows you do not know beans about the First Amendment, or the United States.

To prove this we need go no further than your next diktat:

“It is false and defamatory to suggest that Julian Assange and WikiLeaks have not published critical information on Russia, Syria or Donald Trump [in fact, WikiLeaks has published hundreds of thousands of documents on Russia, millions on Syria, and thousands on Donald Trump …]”

OK, Julian, let me get this straight: You are saying that news organizations, of which you claim to be one, should be subjected to expensive, unconstitutional libel and defamation lawsuits, for — exactly what? — For saying that you personally did not publish something? Are you out of your mind?

Obviously, Julian has lost it. Anyone would, after suffering as Assange has, living for half a decade as a sort of human flesh in a video game.

Let’s set aside whether he was right or wrong to do what he did; but after six years cooped up inside under his conditions, any normal person would become wack.

May we proceed with one more thing that Sir Julian says it is not advisable to say about him, lest we feel the wrath of his hackers?

“It is false and defamatory to suggest that Julian Assange or WikiLeaks arranged for Edward Snowden to go to Russia.”

Sorry, Julian, but I’m an American. I’ve lived all over this country, and worked and paid taxes in 10 states, and I can tell you, as they say in Brooklyn: “Getthefuckoutahere.”

Stop thinking about yourself and the problem will go away.

And if you can’t not think about yourself, try not to not think about not thinking about yourself.

(CORRECTION: Courthouse News columnist Robert Kahn did not graduate Summa cum Laude from the North Texas (Grapevine) School of Horseshoeing in 1984, as we reported in our March 7, 1993 column on this page. He graduated non compos mentis, for the thrill of it all.)

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