What this country needs is a Redneck Liberal Party.

That’s what this country is, though the rednecks deny that they’re liberals and the liberals deny that they’re rednecks.

The candidate of the Redneck Liberal Party would declare that he supports the death penalty, but it should be applied fairly: After we kill a poor man, no more executions until we kill a rich one.

That would stop executions in the United States, though Redneck Liberals support execution.

The Redneck Liberal candidate would declare that he wants to take the country back to the way we lived under Eisenhower: when we were the most powerful and respected country in the world, with the strongest industry and the most highly paid workers, and we all had morals and everyone was happy.

And the top tax rate for the rich was 91 percent.

And corporations paid 25 percent of the federal income tax, instead of the 7 percent they pay today.

The Redneck Liberal candidate will declare that he will reduce taxes for 99 percent of the American people – and that’s the only time he will ever say the word “taxes.”

He will say that he knows the corporations will be willing to help out and do their part. We’re all in this together, he’ll say. The richest 1 percent of Americans own nearly 50 percent of the national wealth. I know the rich people want to do their part, he’ll say.

It won’t hurt the candidate to say that. Everyone likes to see rich people get it – even other rich people.

George Bush is president today for one reason only – he’s a more likable guy than Al Gore or John Kerry.

Stop that whining, you dumb liberals. That is too why he won the elections.

All the Redneck Liberal Party has to do is nominate a more likable guy than anyone else does.

That leaves out Hillary Clinton. I don’t care what she pretends to stand for. She’s too easy to hate. I don’t like her, though I liked her husband, for the same reason everyone else did. Not because of what he stood for or didn’t stand for; I liked him because he’s likable. Hillary is not. She’s a loser.

The Redneck Liberals should nominate someone like John Edwards. I don’t care what he stands for either. He’s likable. He’s got good hair. Nominate him.

Liberals are just as stupid as rednecks; they both want to be lied to and cheered up. They just want to be lied to in different ways. But all of them will swallow anything so long as it’s soothing and cheerful.

Look at all the politicians in both parties promising they’ll do something to bring down the price of gasoline, though we all know that it will be $4 a gallon by the time Bush is out of office, and there’s nothing we can do about it. That’s what we should be paying anyway.

The problem is not the price; the problem is that Americans are such spoiled babies it’s impossible to tell us the truth about anything.

So the Redneck Liberal candidate will lie to everyone. That’s the way to get elected. Then he’ll tax the corporations and the rich people, instead of lying down for them and handing them the poker.

A 1 percent tax on annual incomes over $1 million will raise $90 billion a year. Raising the marginal tax rate for the richest one-tenth of 1 percent to the level it was under Eisenhower will raise another $130 billion a year.

There’s half of George W. Bush’s record annual deficit made up right there.

The corporations and the rich people won’t peep about it if the president’s got the rednecks behind him. Want me to get the rednecks riled up?, the Liberal Redneck president will ask the rich people and the corporations.

Rednecks and liberals are the same – willfully stupid and gullible.

Liberals are rednecks. Look at the stupid books on our bestseller lists, our idiotic movies and the viciousness of our TV shows. So give the liberals what they want –give them their stupid viciousness and call it progressive social values.

Rednecks are liberals. They’ll scream like hell if a politician tries to cut Medicare or Social Security, but rednecks say they hate socialism. So give the rednecks what they want – give them socialism and a pack of lies that it’s something else.

That’s what we’re all going to get anyway. It’s what we want. Might as well balance the books while we’re at it.